Oh, I'm in Despair!

Here I sit, thinking that I will only see one of the most important figures in my life for eight months more. That's it.. with the occasional Christmas (hopefully.)

I was sitting at the dinner table with my mother, discussing colleges. I brought up the fact that it doesn't really matter if I stay in California or not because my dad would be the only one to oppose me leaving and since he isn't even here, it isn't under his control. I then asked if he would stay for longer my senior year that way I could actually see him. It didn't even have anything to do with the fact that he has missed all of my birthdays since I was twelve, or never seen me perform (when I actually HAVE talent), or seen my at my first day of school. I just wanted him to be here for my graduation. I know I matter to him, so why can't he just be here for me?

So by the end of dinner, I ran to the bathroom to wipe my tears away. My father and I will only have eight months of "interaction" before I leave for college/ the world and he leaves again for Argentina. I asked her if he is going to go back there after he gets all of his business done; she said yes. "His purpose in life is to live alone."

When it comes to my father, I am a selfish teenage girl. I absolutely need my father. In the past four years, I have seen him for 14 months. That is it. Out of 48 months possible, not even one third of that time. That is 7 out of 24. INSANITY.

There is no one I can talk to about this except my mother and whenever we do, I just can't. I guess it's because I know I will not get anything accomplished and just cry some more, and that doesn't allow me to say all that I want to say.

I miss my father; I'm supposed to have him here. He is supposed to see me for who I am. It's not fair that my sister got him for so long. She got him for 16 whole years, and me only 12? I think, to be honest, if I had him all my life and he left just NOW (at 16 years old) then I would be okay, you know? I mean, two years without him I could live with I guess. But the thing is that I know he will come back for a short amount of time and that kills me more than the idea of him not coming back at all. Now I have all of these expectations, whereas I wouldn't if he just didn't bother.

At least if he didn't come back, I would know that he doesn't care. But he DOES care, and it sucks to know that and still be so far away from him.
I had to blog about this because I know none of my friends would or could help me. They would all want to solve the problem when all I really need is someone to hug. Preferably a father.

And now, I talk to friends and pretend all is okay, because I know that the internet can read my problems. And I mean that.